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Casual Friday Spring Sampler

by Casual Friday

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1.
First night back, sitting in the graveyard digging up what's below, once we've emptied my pack what was behind our backs? OoooOoooOoooOooo I got spooked about going back without you, after the third floor, and the morning I spent with you. When I couldn't see the moon you said was cut in half, I thought I'd just go to sleep and dream up the next time we'd speak.
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you don't have to push that false air from your beautifully crooked teeth it's in those eyes and those thighs and those summertime highs when you make deserts of my seas of doubt. and i think honesty could be the the saving grace of humanity and me. all you've got to do is just say what you're thinking and stop fabricating all your lies, at least this time speak your mind, put your feelings aside.
5.
planting trees for us to sit by when we grow old among all these tangled branches I'm glad I have something to hold they’re uneven you’re the reason I can’t relax myself when I’m sitting here alone so she’ll stay up all night long follow all the paths that take me home, but I’ll sit right down on the floor waiting patiently alone somewhere past the headlights' constant glare, you will find yourself looking for all the things you never wrote you always used to sit out on the phone and talk about all the things that make you feel less alone somewhere past the headlights' constant glare you will find yourself looking for all the things you thought you could let go I’d rather not go follow all the paths that take me home but I’m still lost
6.
lie awake at night and wait for the time to think about my life, and what it has lead to. i miss my friends, i wish i could see them. falling down, no way back up. you can find me stiff, past the staircase.
7.
a snowflake, four leaf clover, sitting pretty on the front of your shoulder/from a book you read in high school from the valley to your home with a park view/on your drive up, the mill city, between furniture and food for the kitty/you should hit it closer to home good is bad is nice is yes is good is fine is no/that might not belong to you/ the cloth that you cut is the one that’s on me/how did it go?/there is safety in small numbers, threw it in the fire and blamed it on each other/needed places safe for fainting, promise “he won’t bite” with eyes half-closed, refraining/sour sympathy, half cold meals, off to bed at night, disaster on your heels/soggy wallet, broken window, bloody in the hallway ill be fine i think that i’ll go i can’t stay up every night/we’ll stay there long enough to say goodbye/here’s to safety, being happy, we are foils all, to that everlasting/victims, only circumstantial here, i’m waiting there, you’re flying off the handle.
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I've been waking up to ceilings; stucco stares so unfamiliarly down at me. As I watch these cars shuffle around and stack this deck with their routines, I can't help but think of what I meant to say to you: "Could you understand that I just wasn't in control of mine?" The kids that pace these streets and my incidental friends: they're not so different. We're not so different. I can tell they're haunted by the same things that haunted my days of crisis, but I had no support. Now I've learned to live and meet demands just like we did when back in school. I'm nothing new but my life has been changed by circumstance; textbooks replaced with dumpster dives and crisis shelter rules. I'm not asking for forgiveness as I've done you no wrong. I just want to let you know there is no security in guarding yourself from me or your thoughts on poverty. The rug they've pulled right over me sits underneath your feet. I just want to let you know there is no security in building up these walls to get away from me.
10.
DULL DUSTED FILTERS ADHERED TO THE LENSES / BARRICADED VIEW BY OBSTRUCTED PERSPECTIVE / ALL THE CLAMOR ABOUT THINGS THAT CAN BE CHANGED / NO ACTIONS TAKEN TO AUGMENT ANYTHING / I CAN’T FIND A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE, BUT I DON’T CARE TO STAY AROUND AND LOOK / IRON KNEES, GROUND MADE OF MAGNETS / THE IRONY IS A SUIT STITCHED WITH TATTERED FABRIC / TIED UP IN THE TANGLE OF MOODS HUNG AT HALF MAST, YOU’RE ALL JUST HANGING ON HOPES THAT HAVE LONG SINCE PASSED.
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I never want to sleep again. Last night I saw you in my dreams I knew it was fake Desires turn to nightmares with every chance i didn't take. Tonight I'll see you in my dreams, I'll know that its fake My life is now my nightmare Please don't let me fucking wake. And i could sleep forever. And someone's calling my cell phone I'll let it ring like no one's home I'm counting sheep Because deep in my sleep I'm not alone.
14.
Remember the first time you saw me I was in a coat the size of your living room shivering You said winter weather was such a novelty but that that snow hit my lashes so goddamn perfectly and if we're being honest it's not like i wanna lie to you and if we're being honest i will never tell you the truth the words lay in my mouth but they don't mean anything anymore they've all started to taste the same tired without feeling and bored don't lie to me don't lie to me it's not like i wanna lie to you i was covering your eyes you peaked through cracks in my fingers i was leading you through traffic lights blindly why don't you trust me?
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I remember I'd wake up and you'd been working through the night With a cigarette in your left hand and my weed on your right Balancing equations as you softened my voice I'd do a shot and fall asleep again beneath the noise You were moving forward I was there because I moved I was there because I moved A place I could fall over, shout, and playact like a fool But you were well acquainted Signed the papers bought the food I brought the equipment But you supplied the tools I remember I'd wake up and you'd been working through the night With a cigarette in your left hand and my weed on your right Balancing equations as you softened my voice We ran Even when no one was around No parties to go to Summer of down You were moving forward I was there because I moved I was there because I moved A place I could fall over, shout, and playact like a fool But you were well acquainted Signed the papers bought the food You supplied the tools
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Would I say I waste most of my time, feeling empty inside? Bring a light for this hollowed life. Putting aside most of my spine, for someone I don’t know, I think I’ve had enough of hope. And if you, wouldn’t say… Wouldn’t say that I was a big ray of sunshine, more of a black cloud, crude obnoxious and loud. So please won’t you just bury me? Oh in a pile of clothes, I swear it’s all that you know. Wouldn’t say that I give up all of my time, feeling guilty for life, but I think I deserve to die. Wasting mine for the rest of the night, and I’m sorry I lied, but I don’t think that this is worth a try. I’m just wasting your time… Wouldn’t say I was a big ray of sunshine, more of a black cloud, crude, obnoxious, and loud. So please won’t you just bury me? Oh in a pile of clothes, I swear it’s all that you know. 2,3,4 who could show off our scars more? 5,6,7 who could show them, who would let them? I wouldn’t let them, it was only for attention.
19.
It's hard to think that anyone could like me for who I am. I keep reaching for my phone. I feel so close to home lying on the floor while my stomach's tied in knots. It would be nice if I could be like you. And I want to, but it's hard to follow through. I try to be someone you'll love, but I'm not. So I'll sit in my room alone.
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we fill these empty glasses with stories like we're throwing them out to see i'm standing at the end of a jetty the water is rising to my knees the moon is pointed right at me hate the way mother always asks about all of my old friends like i know where they went where did you go? come home.
23.
Well, I listened closely to hear what the ocean would say. It read, "80 years of stagnance, as if it matters any ways". "and if at first you don't succeed, staple these words to your head before you end up like me". I don't exist, but I wish I did. The tule fog it carries on, it haunts my mind like when I was young. There are mistakes we cannot outrun even after we are gone. I don't exist, but I wish I did. I shed my skin in front of you, I swear I tried to make things right, but my sorry's won't stop my dreams where I crash my car every night. If we are all believers in foxholes, then it's not for me. You can ask around about how I don't believe in anything, and why the sun won't shine for me. Have you ever seen black eyes like these on anyone else? It's not hard to believe, and I think you'd agree I did this to myself.
24.
Life comes to a crawl when your hands lock at their hilt and your voice is still the same And yesterday I could hardly conceive a life in my early twenties Resting here in a draught, still clutching to the nothing that I’ve built Inside, outside I’m still the same as I ever was, still as young as I ever was All of my life is held in one day Seasons and hands with no pull close once again I’m falling apart while standing still Falling apart while standing still I’ll cover myself with ash and soil to sleep Temper dark mornings with faded steps that I keep And shrug off the feelings that urge me to leave This place I’m robbed of progress raising my voice to speak The future will storm, rain its taunts down at me A year to rebuild sings its hopes dauntingly I’m green again I’m very scared for me Beholden to stasis, I can only blame me, maybe one day I can get better Adjust to my scope and all that it contains Beholden to stasis, I can only blame me, maybe one day I can get better Uncover the root and hold what it means Beholden to stasis, I can only blame me, maybe one day I can get better I’ll dig out my body as life floods over me
25.
I'm staying up too late and it's starting to become not enough. It's always humid in this state, that's why my windows fog up. Pick my thoughts so carefully before I hit the water below me. And even though there's so much we need to hide, It's not like anyone is coming to check outside. It's far too late for them to be awake and I'm holding my breath hoping I stay the same. It's getting harder to see straight as my eyes almost close, But you're the one who knows I'm most content in these clothes. I like the cold air tonight. My words escape my mind before I run out of time. I picked the path that won't send me back to where I've already been. Get your facts straight, it's already too late to be that way again. Pick my thoughts so carefully before I hit the water below me. Everything goes up in smoke, Feels like I'm letting go of this rope. I like the cold air tonight. My words escape my mind before I run out of time. I picked the path that won't send me back to where I've already been. Get your facts straight, it's already too late to be that way again.
26.
i'm spewing out my spine all the horrible things i'm spewing out my mind all the wonderful things. let me have a glass of wine toasting everything is fine. I smile with feelings that tore it's in my eyes that its all a door, so what... funny feelings that help me to ignore the clouds in my mouth swirl to faces of beauty before it gets boring it still will be new i am the youth I smile with feelings that tore it's in my eyes that its all a door, so what... funny feelings that help me to ignore oh its in my teeth. oh its in my hair. oh its in my skin.
27.
It's safe to say we've always been actors. From time to time I think about what everything would be like if we made one good scene. Apathetic time turns us into awkward passing nerves, where nothing is ever beautiful and everything hurts. Because I loved you first, And we never sang those sad songs together. Our bodies they break down. Our honesty is breaking my heart. Whenever we're close neither one of us will change, because I'm chained to the past with the future in my veins. "There is a car in the driveway. Just drive." she said. "There is a train downtown. We could hop right on and get out of here." We've been running away from things we can't control. We can never settle down. We're always scared. Our hearts won't stop beating. But we've just got to sit this out until we hit level ground until the terrain gets easier. And then only there can we rest our lonely hearts.
28.
I wrote it down, to make it clear. Because all the words I said before never reached your ears. Maybe we, we were just too young. Or did it seem as if, I was speaking in tongues? I can’t make sense, sense of it all. I loved you more than air the air in my lungs. But they burst, and you’d float away. With all the weight of those words, I never got to say. I was trying to impress the thought of maybe I ain’t had enough. Now I sit and recollect those thoughts because I’m thinking I took way too much. I grabbed a smoke, picked up a light. Went and sat out back, with the thoughts building up inside. Of how it cut, cut you so deep. And I stood back and watched, watched you slowly bleed out. I was trying to impress the thought of maybe I ain’t had enough. Now I sit and recollect those thoughts because I’m thinking I took way too much. Now I’m trying, now I’m trying to forget. Because I’m dying, dying from all my regrets. Now I’m trying, now I”m trying to forget. Because I’m dying, dying from all my regrets.
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When you said forever, you drove a hard bargain. But this grip is getting looser everyday, Like a child fighting to stay awake. Now it seems that all that's left Are you and me and my insecurities, And I'm afraid there's only room for two of us. But I wonder if you even have a clue Just how much this is killing me, For now I'll learn to retrace my steps And walk down yours for the last time. All you had to say was it's over, and it's alright, And we could carry on. I swear I never meant for this, But so it is, and so it goes. And I swear I never meant for this, But sometimes you have to pull up roots To make room for new ones to grow. We're just shards of a smashed bottle, Lost with the words unspoken. Shimmering bright but always hollow, We pretend we're something more than just broken.
31.
I’ve been thinking about leaving this place Behind my eyes and when go to sleep At night I still see it All these bridges that I’ve gone and burned Stitches that I’ve gone and earned Scars I’ve went and got myself I've got too many regrets to count I won’t forget about this place that I love But right now, it just seems that I can’t find a place to call home And I know things aren’t easy no matter where you go I just want to start over on my own Wasted days, and sleepless nights Provided the spark I needed to make my mind The choice to pack my things, and leave this town behind And find my place in this life Because home is where the heart is And my heart is still searching For a place to call home I won’t forget about this place that I love But right now, it just seems that I can’t find a place to call home And I know things aren’t easy no matter where you go I just want to start over on my own And I’ve got too many regrets to count So I’ll stop counting now
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I always looked at the clouds like continents Watched the cities shift around They don't look as far or as fast from here I always thought of the cities like people All wrapped up in volume and grey Finding symmetry in the disarray Would you look at them all lined up upon All the telephone wires at dawn Some sick grins sit on those old crows I have no interest in that kind of competition Wild eyes to the stars at night Hoping for some chance to arrive To find out its been there the whole time
37.
Withering in gardens left dry. I’m still soaked from their old chokes. Oh, what a mess I’ve made now. Oh, what a mess of things I’ve made. It’s such a shame; all that dirt couldn’t grow. I put the blame all on the shine and less the soil. We must wilt away if we wish to someday grow, but I’ve wilted and waned over and over. The soil is as far as I can go. That night I lied awake thinking over things. So fixed and quick to burst into blame at any loss of control, without sense of self. It shrouds and distills; it stings and it welts. Though all our plans were dense with trees, I discerned only leaves that were brittle and creased. As I just lied awake overthinking things, life still went on with or without.
38.
deja vous a youth without crew a 12-bar view thinking of you two eyes too fuckin' blue swing and miss two true lovers kiss fights and fits just cause to bash my bones to bits run your fingers up the side of my head feel the swell from your lover's lead run your fingers down the length of my wrist i'll kill to keep the smell of your kiss use my spine cross every line our stars align a heart confined smash the lock, make it mine one minute to flee, one minute left to find lover's time has come to pass the only lonely grain of sand has turned to glass left shattered now to cut and slash at a throat; a floral note kiss my face breathe to me your saving grace one last embrace i'll put a gun to the side of my head, made a vow that if love was dead i'd run a razor down the length of my wrist, bled to feel, our love is real, it's one thing that exists push comes to shove hand in glove you're who i dream of safe in heaven above long live our true love a tender body broken and beat a bleeding heart left out in the street
39.
Raph: I’m still surrounded by these four blank walls. Every picture I’ve painted has been taken down. The only difference: I don’t forget the stars anymore. I still believe they will never collapse. Maybe I’m just naïve but I wish and wish and wish. Why am I so unsure? Why do both the past and future haunt me now? Maybe I’ll leave this town when my fears become too strong; maybe I’ll leave this town when the last star falls. Cam, Raph: Maybe I’ll leave this town when my fears become too strong. Raph: Maybe I’ll leave this town when my fears become too strong; maybe I’ll leave this town when the last star falls.
40.
woke up just fine to bright sunlight no alarm, no schedule right on time I know I'm out but I'll keep playing tomorrow makes no difference now is now I'm not afraid to get caught trying get your shameful looks out of my face forget trying, striving is a better word when I look at you you're just wasting space woke up just fine and rubbed my eyes feels like they haven't been open for a while I know I'm out but I'll keep playing tomorrow makes no difference now is now let me fade away let me learn to breathe I'll never learn to live If you keep smothering me
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There is something at the base of my heart It yearns for your love, a true work of art But sometimes my heart gets frozen in fear It stops pumping blood when I feel you're near And I guess I should have been born With a face that you could love a little more 'Cause you are the one that I long for I'll wait for you 'til I can't anymore I guess that I take comfort in your smile The way reflects all the words I've compiled But sometimes your smile doesn't show its face Incased in a world where for me there's no place And I guess we should have been born In a time that could love a little more But you are the girl that I long for I'll wait for you 'til I can't anymore And I want you to love me You make me see clearly I swear its madness Give me all of your troubles The ones making you crumble Its fine my darling I want all of your being With every bit in me
44.
i had a change of heart at least I think I did oh if I could only start to see the things i want to get I know that they could be again but I don't even know if it's what I want it's a thought I had some time ago but it comes and goes, so call me a liar (I was one, it's fair but) call me a saint (I wasn't, but dont you) let me fall we could have the same talk now get it done with, figure it out it's on - waited for far too long I promised someone I'd stay a little further than I've been content to be away but it'll cross some wires and it'll let you down it'll force all those magnetic poles to move from north to south while you wait for the chemistry to be the thing it once was it might never be again we can have the same conversation we've had ten times before but if we're dying anyway then what the hell are we waiting for what are we waiting for
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I have taken to the market, found out what you wanted, came in through the back door, tell them that you like it, Kept it in your pocket, I thought we were lucky. I thought that we meant it. at least enough to keep it, keep it through the night time, push it through the morning. oh, oh, could you keep from calling, my house through december returning from the winter. cold in frozen water. listen to them singing. songs about the weather, tell them when they're older, how you miss the neighbors standing in the front yard, telling all your secrets, like they were theirs to tell.
48.
I'll never get it out, out of my mind I'll never get this off of my mind This prison inside of my mind Keeps bars over my eyes My vision is fading and for the first time I feel alive And for the last time I will feed you these lies I will feed you lies, I will feel alive I can't get it out, out of my mind I can't get it out, out of my mind Now if you ever get out of your head Cause when you're ready it's your life Instead you stay locked inside Secrets and lies and countless sleepless nights My vision's fading and everything is truly changing Everything is falling apart, we're falling apart Whenever you finally decide to resign And bring yourself back up to speed Come back to me You'll be better off if you remember to hold on Never hold on Come back to me Come back to me Come back to me Come back to me Come back to me Come back up to speed Come back to me
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Your bed is softer than mine. You think I could stay the night? I can imagine what they say about me while I’m away. “The glass, the space between your head and the past.” The days don’t leave me with anything but half functioning pieces and lungs filled with glass and stone. I’ve got friends that will drag me, skin and bones, back to the place that I call home. But I’d take your bed over anybody else’s bed. I guess that you cast the first stone. I caught it in my teeth and hung my heart from your lamp post. I’d take your lips over anybody else’s lips. Because I wasted all my young breath standing in the doorway singing, “I’ve found no peace in my heart along the way. I have no place in my heart for you to stay.”
51.
Watching the white walls close in on me, I know I'll never make friends like these it's such a drag. I wish I had something better to say about being awake, I guess it's not that bad anyway. So I'll pass it off and focus on something that I care about. How about myself? How about everyone else?
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Distraught on violence day. You thought me how to hate. Gasoline, we have thrown, fire the graveyard. Spinning gloves will catch your breath. We burst in exclamation marks from living rooms too small. There were ten souls from free falling, ten souls from helicopters. We burst in exclamation marks from living rooms too small. Short-sighted heart waiting for something... …like the blood in the snow like a colour red mile. We could save it on gasps. Through all our wet clothes and these messes are yours. Yes, we fired the graveyard and who was it for?
55.
memories of you and me pray to a god that was never listening I hope you'd do that for me.. you simple shell how do I say I love you how do I say I.. my voice shakes for once I felt clarity you're always on my mind you're always with me I see right through you, clear on the other side can you see right through me? I've been waiting for you, a sad way to pass the time have you been waiting for me? where have you been? I've been hiding in the ceiling things just don't feel same something something's wrong with me I just don't know what to say.. you simple sun how do I say I miss you how do I say, I miss the light you shed over me my hands shake for once I felt clarity you're always on my mind you're always with me I see right through you, clear on the other side can you see right through me? I've been waiting for you, a sad way to pass the time have you been waiting for me? where have you been? I've been hiding in the ceiling things just don't feel same something something's wrong with me I just don't know what to say.. memories of you and me relive the days when we were happy I know you'd do that for me
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Sleep now or forever hold your peace. This vicious rain cleansed everything. So I'm keeping both my hands clasped where I can see them, cause it seems like everyone needs something to cling to. It seems like everyone needs somebody, but me. For the entire winter, we wandered up and down every single street. Looking for hope and solace, all we found was bitter sadness. The leaves turned into ash, and hope into desperation. But when I found the end, I could only miss myself. Sometimes I just miss everything about this place, and sometimes I just miss everything. I don't need anyone anymore; I'm fine. It took 13 years to rebuild the bridge.

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released May 24, 2013

Cover art by Madison Warchol!

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